Allow me a moment of truth; there are times when I feel these last two years didn’t give what they were supposed to have given. As if God had taken my best laid plans and put them through a shredder. After all, it’s been over two years since my last blog post. So much has changed that I feel we should catch up. Here are the top 3 ways the pandemic changed my life:
Little did I know during the last photo shoot of December 2019 I was pregnant with a son. Now looking back I know exactly when he was conceived (turn to your neighbor and say birthday sex) but the weight gain, nausea, and sensitivity to odors would all add up. My husband’s 40th birthday weekend will forever be marked by the news of our pregnancy. The course of which was anything but easy. Infusions, hyperemesis gravidarum, quarentine, and more. I go into detail about my pregnancy in my IGTV video series “Pregnant in a Pandemic“. For the sake of time I’ll speed up to the good part – on August 17, 2020 we gave birth to a son, Victor. He is now almost two and the joy of my world.
In May 2021 my family contracted Covid-19. All of us. My infant son included. I can’t describe how it feels to nurse a feverish baby while you cough, cry and lay in a pool of sweat. How it feels to watch your superhuman husband lay on his sick bed for a solid month only to have a heart attack at the first sign of recovery. Or how it feels to be isolated from your senior citizen parents as they fight the virus alone. My feelings oscillated between anger, disbelief, sadness, and hurt. It was the prayers of the righteous, the benevolence of my friends, and the peace of God that kept me for the remainder of that year. Over 1 million Americans dead from Covid-19 but God spared my life. That’s not a small victory.
About three months after the birth of Victor I could no longer ignore the red flags. Crying, insomnia, worry, sadness, constant organizing, and rage had become my daily life. This was not just baby blues. It was time to get help. A tearful plea to my OBGYN led to a psych referral and subsequent diagnosis: Postpartum Anxiety and Depression. My first therapy session was only days after my birthday. I considered it a gift. The first step on my journey to wholeness. Soon it became apparent that the next step was medication to treat my hormone imbalance. Medication I take to this day with no shame.
There have been some very dark days over these last two years. Days when I wanted to die. Times I’d lost all hope. Moments my own thoughts terrified me. Yet through it all God has kept me and my family. I know Him in a new way. I’ve seen Him perform new miracles. Heard His voice in the midnight hour. Yes, the pandemic has changed me forever. Everything about me is stronger than before.